Twilight was surprisingly entertaining. New Moon was surprisingly awful. Eclipse is not really surprising in any way. It just is. Twilight was good enough to sucker us in to doing a take. Now we are stuck riding out this roller coaster of a series and bestowing it with our witticisms. To start, if we were to rename Eclipse we might call it, “A Series of Uncomfortable Events”.
Here is our doosey one sentence synopsis:
Hotheaded and over-abbed werewolf Jacob and ceaselessly pained and increasingly co-dependent vampire Edward are both for unfathomable reasons in love with the most dull and uninteresting girl in the world, Bella who ticked off the wrong vampire and is endlessly targeted by her ineffective “run-bys” before an army of newly sired but equally ineffective nOOb vamps descend on Bella’s boring home town bringing forth a clash of a dozen shape-shifting indians, one emotionally confused girl, three factions of vampires, and a large assortment of hoodies.
Dialogue. Sure, every movie needs it, right? However Eclipse takes dialogue to the next level. All dialogue all the time. Each scene seemed like an excuse to set up more dialogue. It was not a movie whose plot and action are set up by dialogue, it is a movie whose sole purpose seems to be these various dialogues – with a touch of action thrown in to break them up.
Bella, why are you so ungrateful and self centered? Why the bad attitude? Why does everybody cater to your ever-present malaise? There seems no plot development that pleases her. The only place where she feels compelled to put her foot down is insisting to old school Edward that she wants a hyphenated name after marriage. Ugh. Please. Now she is a feminist? Was there ever a girl whose happiness we wished for less?
What is love? We suggest you do not find out from a Harlequin Romance novel, nor the Twilight series. They show love to be a tremendous omnipresent yearning, total loss of one’s identity and a tendency to say things like, “The whole world revolves around you.” *Gag.* This may lead an entire generation of females into wrong thinking about what love really is and a lifetime of disappointing relationships when no-one they meet is like Edward.
The Eclipse Formula:
- 3 parts disjointed buildup
- 1 part disjointed flashback
- Add multiple dashes of, “Hey you two, don’t fight.”
- Mix thoroughly for 2 hours in thick, gloppy, half-cooked dialogue.
- Serve with red food coloring – and only at night!
On the bright side, a couple of the elements we liked about Twilight are back. Eclipse also had a lot of blue filter action going on, and that worked to set the cool vampire tone.
We liked the Edward versus Felix battle in New Moon, but it was nice to see a group battle in Eclipse. Although honestly, the choreography was little more than punch someone in the face and play the sound of a statue breaking. The wolves were very animalistic and pretty much what you would expect from plain old wild wolves. It still would be nice to see more there for them, especially considering all the X-Men like powers the vamps are developing.
Eclipse is not for you if:
- You do not care for melodrama.
- You are bothered by contrived situations that cause the lead girl to yell, “Kiss me Jacob!”
- You are uncomfortable with PDA’s.
- You want Bella’s father to have a part.
For a little humor, check out this funny parody:
Eclipse in a Minute