The Twilight Saga: Eclipse [2010]

Twilight was surprisingly entertaining.  New Moon was surprisingly awful.  Eclipse is not really surprising in any way.  It just is. Twilight was good enough to sucker us in to doing a take.  Now we are stuck riding out this roller coaster of a series and bestowing it with our witticisms.  To start, if we were to rename Eclipse we might call it, “A Series of Uncomfortable Events”.

“Okay, push in with the dramatic zoom!”

Ashley Greene returns as Alice, the perkiest undead blood drinker… EVAR.

Here is our doosey one sentence synopsis:

Hotheaded and over-abbed werewolf Jacob and ceaselessly pained and increasingly co-dependent vampire Edward are both for unfathomable reasons in love with the most dull and uninteresting girl in the world, Bella who ticked off the wrong vampire and is endlessly targeted by her ineffective “run-bys” before an army of newly sired but equally ineffective nOOb vamps descend on Bella’s boring home town bringing forth a clash of a dozen shape-shifting indians, one emotionally confused girl, three factions of vampires, and a large assortment of hoodies.

Don’t bother trying to count the abs. We lose track after eight. Taylor Lautner may one day need “ab reduction surgery”.

Dialogue.  Sure, every movie needs it, right?  However Eclipse takes dialogue to the next level.  All dialogue all the time.  Each scene seemed like an excuse to set up more dialogue.  It was not a movie whose plot and action are set up by dialogue, it is a movie whose sole purpose seems to be these various dialogues – with a touch of action thrown in to break them up.

“My character Charlie is back? That’s great. What? I have like two ackward scenes with Bella? That’s less than last movie.  Oh, this time I get to make sandwiches. Great…”

“This is another long dialogue scene.” “Yeah.” “We talk a lot in this movie.” “Yeah.” “I think your eyes are dreamy…” “Yeah.”

Bella, why are you so ungrateful and self centered?  Why the bad attitude?  Why does everybody cater to your ever-present malaise?    There seems no plot development that pleases her.  The only place where she feels compelled to put her foot down is insisting to old school Edward that she wants a hyphenated name after marriage.  Ugh.  Please.  Now she is a feminist?  Was there ever a girl whose happiness we wished for less?

Fear not, Kristen Stewart still positively infuses Bella with the huge, gigantic, wide range of expressions we have come to expect. Just look at the incredible difference in these two expressions.

What is love?  We suggest you do not find out from a Harlequin Romance novel, nor the Twilight series.  They show love to be a tremendous omnipresent yearning, total loss of one’s identity and a tendency to say things like, “The whole world revolves around you.”  *Gag.*  This may lead an entire generation of females into wrong thinking about what love really is and a lifetime of disappointing relationships when no-one they meet is like Edward.

We are sorry ladies. Love is not all flowery fields and soft focus in Harlequin land.

Okay Victoria is back. The big baddie with the bad attitude and even worse tactics. Hey, your looking rather benign here. Get with the program.

That’s more like it!

The Eclipse Formula:

  • 3 parts disjointed buildup
  • 1 part disjointed flashback
  • Add multiple dashes of, “Hey you two, don’t fight.”
  • Mix thoroughly for 2 hours in thick, gloppy, half-cooked dialogue.
  • Serve with red food coloring – and only at night!

Huh? Jasper was a civil war Confederate Colonel? Wans’t it just last movie that we were given the impression that he was a newbie vampire still learning to control his bloodlust?

Number of cool action shots: 17. Number of lines: er, 0.

On the bright side, a couple of the elements we liked about Twilight are back.  Eclipse also had a lot of blue filter action going on, and that worked to set the cool vampire tone.

We liked the Edward versus Felix battle in New Moon, but it was nice to see a group battle in Eclipse.  Although honestly, the choreography was little more than punch someone in the face and play the sound of a statue breaking.  The wolves were very animalistic and pretty much what you would expect from plain old wild wolves.  It still would be nice to see more there for them,  especially considering all the X-Men like powers the vamps are developing.

Dakota Fanning returns as Psylocke – er Jane, the annoying junior high brat with the psychic abilities. If only she knew the secret to Bella’s immunity to her pain-inducing powers was …an empty head.

Another alternate title that was rejected: Clash of the Hoodies!

Eclipse is not for you if:

  • You do not care for melodrama.
  • You are bothered by contrived situations that cause the lead girl to yell, “Kiss me Jacob!”
  • You are uncomfortable with PDA’s.
  • You want Bella’s father to have a part.

“Oh, one is hunky and the other deep. I’m so confused!”

Ackward PDA number 22.

Is Eclipse better than Twilight?  No.  Is Eclipse better than New Moon?  Most certainly.  Is that saying much?  Er, no.

We start and end with Peter Facinelli’s Carlisle who was voted “Best Undead Hair” for 12 decades running.  Sadly for those of us who like this character, after three movies we still know little about him.

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For a little humor, check out this funny parody:

Eclipse in a Minute

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The Twilight Saga:

Twilight 2008

New Moon 2009

Eclipse 2010

Breaking Dawn – part 1 – 2011

Breaking Dawn – part 2 – 2012