The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 [2012]

~or~

Clash of the Hoodies (the revenge)!

Twilight_Breaking_Dawn_Bella_Edward_Forest_Run_Hunt

A showdown five years in the making. It took 3000 words and four movies. But we finally experienced the epic, battle of destinies set up since Underworld came out in 2003. Did we say “experienced?” Okay, well, sort-of…

Featuring the goofy expressions of Michael Sheen's Aro; volume one!

Featuring the goofy expressions of Michael Sheen’s Aro; volume one!

Breaking Dawn Part 2 in a sentence! Bella’s a vampire— but its okay, she has superpowers now and cannot stop gushing about how great it is (to lose your soul…ugh) while meanwhile, her child is growing freakishly fast, and the Volturi gather the entire brotherhood of evil mutants to cleanse her and the entire Cullen clan from the face of the monster infested Pacific Northwest… well, kinda, but not really.

CLASH OF THE HOODIES!

CLASH OF THE HOODIES!

Dakota Fanning as Jane? You're in this movie? I think she has one line. Nice Yu-Gi-Oh! make-up by the way.

Dakota Fanning as Jane? You’re in this movie? We think she has like one line. Nice Yu-Gi-Oh! make-up by the way.

It’s been a long time since the quirky little low budget film, Twilight (2008) came out and we thought it an interesting take. Since then we have been assaulted by dull, self absorbed movies, crazed teens, crazed moms, Team Jacob, Team Edward, Twilight backpacks, neck-biting parties, and perhaps a long list of dissatisfied women. No ladies, vampires are not real. “Edward” is not coming to sweep you from your diaper-laden mundane life and dote over you incessantly.

Alice is back, with hair that seems to be getting more scary and severe by the movie.

Alice is back, with hair that seems to be getting more scary and severe by the movie.

Bella has experienced many a fantasy, and now tops it off with:

  1. Youth forever
  2. Never tiring
  3. A grown little girl, without all those annoying diaper changes and feedings. Instant family.
  4. A new house!
  5. Superpowers!
We're not seeing a lot of sparklin' here...

We’re not seeing a lot of sparklin’ here…

The new home thing was laid on pretty thick. Likely a fantasy for many a female. A cute little honeymoon cottage in the woods, seen at night. Soft lighting, ready nursery, A CLOSET STOCKED WITH CLOTHES, etc.

Why so sad Charlie? You had two lines this movie instead of the usual one!

Why so sad Charlie? You had two lines this movie instead of the usual one!

"This is what all Euro effete super snobs wear. You are impressed, no?"

“This is what all Euro effete super snobs are wearing this spring (and every spring). You are impressed, no?”

We have to hand one thing to Kristen Stewart, though. Whether she’s grown as an actress or the script called for it, she tried a new acting method that calls for more than one facial expression.

Uh... We didn't say she did it successfully...

Uh… We will leave you to judge the results for yourself… Yes, the character Bella goes from the most uninteresting girl in the world to the most unlikeable.

The werewolves pretty much were a no-show in the film, not that there weren’t a few computer-generated wolves in the so-called final battle scene. Rather any of the actors who play them were non-factors, and even Jacob seemed reduced to a few bit scenes, and a rather gratuitous stripping in front of Charlie. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed, the series still goes out of its way to show Taylor Lautner’s 18 abs.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm just glad to finally eat something other that Slim Fast and Nutri-System.

“Yeah, whatever. I’m just glad to finally get to eat something other than Slim Fast and Nutri-System. I’m hungry!”

And is it just us, or are the euro effete Volturi, who seem so obsessed with vampire secrecy, rather cavalier with using their powers. Cavalier about marching a company of vampires across a frozen tundra wearing robes out of the ninth century?

You will FEAR the POWER OF THE HOOD!

You will FEAR the POWER OF THE HOOD!

Remember when I used to be the strongest vampire?

“Remember when I used to be the strongest vampire?”

What about the final showdown? Did it happen? Well, no. The movie abused an old technique, showing a massive and consequential fight scene. They killed off main characters and dramatically showed many things. But was it cheap? Yes, because it never really happened. “Oh, it was just a vision…” Ugh.

"I'm glad to have a cool pose. What? I'm about to die? Uh, again?"

“I’m glad to have a cool pose. What? I’m about to die? Uh, again?”

ddd

The goofy expressions of Michael Sheen’s Aro; volume two!

Vampires are evil. Twilight tried to change that with the introduction of a ‘good’ clan. When you see the attempt at morality displayed by characters like Carlisle and Edward, you might say they were doing as best as they could without a soul. But Bella? She was NOT the kind of person that should have been turned into a vampire. She already seemed to have little core, and now she seems ripe to be corrupted by power. Maybe there’s a lesson in here after all…

Kellan Lutz rocked some cool shots. We are glad he was played well in this scene.

Kellan Lutz rocked some cool shots. We were glad he was played well in this scene.

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The Twilight Saga:

Twilight 2008

New Moon 2009

Eclipse 2010

Breaking Dawn – part 1 – 2011

Breaking Dawn – part 2 – 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [2011]

Breaking Dawn highlights the difference between a plot about serious things, and taking yourself too seriously. Of course an author wants people to be emotionally invested in the characters they create. However that investment should come naturally and not be forced upon us through maudlin trudging.

Why so angry…uh, what’s your name again? Oh, Rosalie. You actually had a part for the first time!

“If it’s not too late Bella, I’d like to ask you to play for Team Jacob again. Please, think of all the Slim Fast this part has forced down my throat.”

Breaking down Breaking Dawn in one sentence: Edward the vampire does very little for an hour and a half and yet comes across less pathetic than the previous series entry while self absorbed Jacob finally carries a plot-line, and matures to 8th grade level while the world’s least desirable girl, Bella Swan, continues an unbroken streak of insecure and awkward dealings with everyone she knows- oh and the werewolves and vampires fight over a demon child for about 90 seconds.

Just whose fantasy wedding is this, Stephenie Meyer? Hmmm?

Sorry Charlie, even your acting prowess cannot out “awkward look” Stewart’s Bella Swan. The most uncomfortable wedding ever.

When it comes to creating an entertaining movie, book, play… anything, one is often in modern times counseled to start things off with a bang. Something to interest and draw and an audience wider than just diehard… er, twihards. The opening scene of this movie- our first glimpse in quite some time into the fascinating world of vampires and werewolves, is a pointless scene about high heels. It’s followed by a nearly as pointless scene about Edwards past, which as far as we can tell has nothing to do with anything.

Greene’s Alice has not looked this good since the first film (though we miss the flirty hair wings). Too bad they turned her character into a one-dimensional fashionista.

If you thought the Twilight series could not get more insular and niche, you were wrong. We suppose self-centered, self indulgent content should be expected in the fourth book of the series. After all, who’s going to be reading it if they are not very interested in the thinning plot. However this does not make for an exciting or well-rounded movie.

“Would you three move closer together. I can fit all our insignificant parts into this tiny little box.”

“Oh Edward, the moon’s beautiful.” “Really? I think it’s a special effect.”

The Breaking Dawn formula:

  1. Three parts continuous awkward shots of Bella and everyone she knows
  2. One part low-budget super-speed blur effect borrowed from Smallville
  3. One part uninteresting, normal looking computer-generated wolves
  4. Mix liberally (but without action) and coat with white pancake makeup

“I’d like to propose a toast: To the first lines I’ve had in two movies. Cheers!”

Smooth move Edward, bringing Bella to have a private wedding night dance with Jacob by the woods. Isn’t that some sort of faux pas- or should we say faux PAW. (We know. Our humor is beyond belief.) Oh, and it is interesting to note that everyone is more excited about Bella’s wedding then Bella. The way they were giving standing ovations you would think she was a British Princess. That is literally the first half hour. Oh, not a word from our favorite character Carlisle… *sad*

“I have bad news. This is my only scene.”

Bella Swan’s wide range of expressions on display…

The producers spice up the next drawn out, awkward honeymoon scenes with emo ballads. Sadly, as many have found out cooking, not all spices are good for the dish. It finally ends with Bella throwing up, realizing she is pregnant. It is a shock to everyone (who has not read the book or had the plot ruined in any of a million other ways). Did not Carlisle have that little “birds and bees” talk with Edward? And so ends the second half hour. Two down, one to go.

There are far worse honeymoon pastimes.

Imagine coming home from your honeymoon and seeing your new wife in… a more realistic light.

Stephenie Meyer’s writing style may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe she made sense on those book pages. The movie tried to convey a lot of it with voiceovers, cross dissolves, jump cuts and imagery ridden montages. What is “imprinting” exactly?

“Hey, look it’s me again. I didn’t get to say much but I got a lot of cool shots this time.”

Breaking Dawn is one of those times where moviemakers decide to split a profitable franchise book into two movies-  and it doesn’t work (except to make money). Okay, we admit we were not expecting much at all. However, even if you are fan of this franchise you have to admit this three act movie was thin on action, answers, plot… and entertainment value. Very thin.

“Where should we use our effects dollars? Fight scenes or computer generated vampire death venom flowing through Bella’s veins?”

Epilogue: The Euro effete loser Volturi apparently and literally do nothing more than sit on these chairs all day… every day. Their mannerisms were so over the top that this scene could be dropped unchanged into a spoof.

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The Twilight Saga:

Twilight 2008

New Moon 2009

Eclipse 2010

Breaking Dawn – part 1 – 2011

Breaking Dawn – part 2 – 2012