How to Read Fortress Takes!

We here in the Fortress care about you.

Think of us are your witty friends that come over on a Friday night.  Pardon us for raiding the fridge and hogging the remote for a few minutes.  It can be a hard existence up north in our Fortress of ice and crystal.

So why are we writing this?

There might be a few out there that think us harsh or overly critical because we make fun of media.  Believe us when we say we are in no way mean spirited.  Just look at our interaction in the comments.  Our goal is to educate and entertain.  Many times we get favorable comments from people who liked a production of which we made fun.

Did we jape at Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles?  Yes, but we also enjoyed it (mostly in the beginning).  Plus look at the difference between these two picture captions:

Before the Fortress Takes Treatment

Summer Glau strikes a publicity shot action pose for the part of Cameron, a cyborg in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

After the Fortress Takes Treatment

While training to play a terminator, Summer Glau modified her jazzercise routine. It did not help her aim, but did manage to clear out a number of gyms.

We know nothing is perfect, but a little satire may make you feel better about those two hours you wasted in quaint Earth theaters.  Most of our takes are on media we thought we would like.  Some we did, some not so much, -and a few were worse than that in our humble Kryptonian opinions.  You do not have to agree, but you may get some laughs at our freeze-dried wit.

Who should avoid Fortress Takes?

We are glad you asked that.  Please look carefully at the following list and make sure you do not qualify:

  • The too serious.
  • The humor challenged.
  • Communists
  • The easily offended.
  • Pandorians
  • General Zod

How do I read a Fortress Take?

Most of the time the our 599 words (or less!) of text are the more serious critique.  The picture captions are where we usually jest with every take, whether it is one we like or not.

Of course some are easier to satirize than others.  That is just the way the ice melts.

For example, take a gander at these two caps from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.  We do not even have to add captions to these pictures of the cop character played by Chris Klein.

You can check our take for the actual captions, but believe us that character was half goofball, half stereotype, and er, half believable.  Was Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li a great movie?  No.  But some here in the Fortress like the Street Fighter franchise, so we have to admit it was a partially guilty pleasure.  Liked or not, the captions flow from the fertile minds here in the ice and crystal.

We are not above watching what we might consider less-than-stellar media.  So why not just enjoy the journey and have some laughs with us.  If you have something to say, if you think we have been harsh, unfair or too fair please comment.  We will hear you out and respond with “super” intelligence.  If you want even more interaction click on over to Facebook.


4 thoughts on “How to Read Fortress Takes!

    • Thank you. We know we are not going to please everyone, and that is not our intent. We just push forward every day, striving to keep malice from our hearts, much like you do at Shut Up and Watch the Movie. You have taken the time to get to know us a bit, and know what we mean. We hope others will do so before entertaining offense.

      • I’d still like to see you adopt some sort of rating system though. It’d sure help me out. (I’m obsessed with rating systems) 🙂

      • For some people it is football, for others it is money. Your obsession is unusual, but there are far worse ones than ratings systems. 😉

        Actually, you got us thinking. Your “zipped lips” ratings system is stylish. Shut Up and Watch the Movie definitely serves as a “read this before you see it” review site. We think Fortress Takes is more of a, “come here to debrief after you have seen it” kind of place.

        It is a good suggestion we will definitely consider.

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