The Twilight Saga: Eclipse [2010]

Twilight was surprisingly entertaining.  New Moon was surprisingly awful.  Eclipse is not really surprising in any way.  It just is. Twilight was good enough to sucker us in to doing a take.  Now we are stuck riding out this roller coaster of a series and bestowing it with our witticisms.  To start, if we were to rename Eclipse we might call it, “A Series of Uncomfortable Events”.

“Okay, push in with the dramatic zoom!”

Ashley Greene returns as Alice, the perkiest undead blood drinker… EVAR.

Here is our doosey one sentence synopsis:

Hotheaded and over-abbed werewolf Jacob and ceaselessly pained and increasingly co-dependent vampire Edward are both for unfathomable reasons in love with the most dull and uninteresting girl in the world, Bella who ticked off the wrong vampire and is endlessly targeted by her ineffective “run-bys” before an army of newly sired but equally ineffective nOOb vamps descend on Bella’s boring home town bringing forth a clash of a dozen shape-shifting indians, one emotionally confused girl, three factions of vampires, and a large assortment of hoodies.

Don’t bother trying to count the abs. We lose track after eight. Taylor Lautner may one day need “ab reduction surgery”.

Dialogue.  Sure, every movie needs it, right?  However Eclipse takes dialogue to the next level.  All dialogue all the time.  Each scene seemed like an excuse to set up more dialogue.  It was not a movie whose plot and action are set up by dialogue, it is a movie whose sole purpose seems to be these various dialogues – with a touch of action thrown in to break them up.

“My character Charlie is back? That’s great. What? I have like two ackward scenes with Bella? That’s less than last movie.  Oh, this time I get to make sandwiches. Great…”

“This is another long dialogue scene.” “Yeah.” “We talk a lot in this movie.” “Yeah.” “I think your eyes are dreamy…” “Yeah.”

Bella, why are you so ungrateful and self centered?  Why the bad attitude?  Why does everybody cater to your ever-present malaise?    There seems no plot development that pleases her.  The only place where she feels compelled to put her foot down is insisting to old school Edward that she wants a hyphenated name after marriage.  Ugh.  Please.  Now she is a feminist?  Was there ever a girl whose happiness we wished for less?

Fear not, Kristen Stewart still positively infuses Bella with the huge, gigantic, wide range of expressions we have come to expect. Just look at the incredible difference in these two expressions.

What is love?  We suggest you do not find out from a Harlequin Romance novel, nor the Twilight series.  They show love to be a tremendous omnipresent yearning, total loss of one’s identity and a tendency to say things like, “The whole world revolves around you.”  *Gag.*  This may lead an entire generation of females into wrong thinking about what love really is and a lifetime of disappointing relationships when no-one they meet is like Edward.

We are sorry ladies. Love is not all flowery fields and soft focus in Harlequin land.

Okay Victoria is back. The big baddie with the bad attitude and even worse tactics. Hey, your looking rather benign here. Get with the program.

That’s more like it!

The Eclipse Formula:

  • 3 parts disjointed buildup
  • 1 part disjointed flashback
  • Add multiple dashes of, “Hey you two, don’t fight.”
  • Mix thoroughly for 2 hours in thick, gloppy, half-cooked dialogue.
  • Serve with red food coloring – and only at night!

Huh? Jasper was a civil war Confederate Colonel? Wans’t it just last movie that we were given the impression that he was a newbie vampire still learning to control his bloodlust?

Number of cool action shots: 17. Number of lines: er, 0.

On the bright side, a couple of the elements we liked about Twilight are back.  Eclipse also had a lot of blue filter action going on, and that worked to set the cool vampire tone.

We liked the Edward versus Felix battle in New Moon, but it was nice to see a group battle in Eclipse.  Although honestly, the choreography was little more than punch someone in the face and play the sound of a statue breaking.  The wolves were very animalistic and pretty much what you would expect from plain old wild wolves.  It still would be nice to see more there for them,  especially considering all the X-Men like powers the vamps are developing.

Dakota Fanning returns as Psylocke – er Jane, the annoying junior high brat with the psychic abilities. If only she knew the secret to Bella’s immunity to her pain-inducing powers was …an empty head.

Another alternate title that was rejected: Clash of the Hoodies!

Eclipse is not for you if:

  • You do not care for melodrama.
  • You are bothered by contrived situations that cause the lead girl to yell, “Kiss me Jacob!”
  • You are uncomfortable with PDA’s.
  • You want Bella’s father to have a part.

“Oh, one is hunky and the other deep. I’m so confused!”

Ackward PDA number 22.

Is Eclipse better than Twilight?  No.  Is Eclipse better than New Moon?  Most certainly.  Is that saying much?  Er, no.

We start and end with Peter Facinelli’s Carlisle who was voted “Best Undead Hair” for 12 decades running.  Sadly for those of us who like this character, after three movies we still know little about him.

————————————————————————————-

For a little humor, check out this funny parody:

Eclipse in a Minute

________________________________

The Twilight Saga:

Twilight 2008

New Moon 2009

Eclipse 2010

Breaking Dawn – part 1 – 2011

Breaking Dawn – part 2 – 2012

24 thoughts on “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse [2010]

  1. Twilight was painful for me. I kept waiting for sometime to make me say “Aha! So that’s why people like this so much…” But alas, it never came.

    Eclipse looks awful in my opinion. I’m glad you took the time to see it and write a fun review so that I could heckle.

  2. Since you did not read the books and you are simply going off of the movies, I will spare you too much negative comments. Your article is not exactly a good one. This of course is just your own personal views. You have never been in love before, clearly. You are missing the whole teenager first love, my world cannot go on without you love story. Bella & Edward are classic soap opera super couple. In order to understand the movies fully, you need to be a teen age girl or a woman who has been there and done that. You also should read the books. The background info that you are missing, are in the books. Get past the writing style of Stephanie Meyer and just read the books. You can also go on her website and read the Q/A area. The site is very hands on and informative. Twilight of course introduces these characters to us. New Moon develops the love story between Jacob & Bella. It shows us how she is torn apart when Edward leaves. How she is truly in love with him. Her life is not the same without him in it. Yes, it’s a bit over the top and needy. But it’s true love. She was without a father for so long, that her need for a man to be there and love her is probably stronger then a child who had a father growing up. Eclipse, shows them back together. But, not only does she love Edward and wants to be with him forever. She also loves Jacob. her best friend who was there for her when Edward wasn’t. Who can easily step into the role again if need be. She needs Jacob just as much as she needs Edward. Again, it’s a girl thing. Loving two people for different reasons is a possible feat. Yes, movies never follow the books which they came from step by step. There is always important info that is left out. It is a shame that these movies are the same way. But, I hope that all that I have shared with you helps you out.

    • Thank you for taking the time to explain your views to us. One of us here did try reading the first book once, but the style and subjective quality of the writing was not worth overcoming. We do acknowledge that there is likely a ton in the books that the movie cannot adequately show. That said, this is about a movie series. It has to be judged as a movie series. Like Harry Potter and other series gone to film, there is book, and there is movie.

      We understand what you are saying about the hyper-inflated feelings a teenager in love might have. We think you were very astute in noticing that Bella’s extra large love desire may be related to her lack of father/daughter relationship for so many formative years. We disagree with you somewhat regarding love being so “needy”. Codependency is needy, true love brings a whole person to the relationship by choice. That whole person adds to the relationship, they do not suck the other person dry.

      We understand love stories, even teen ones. Romeo & Juliet was such a story. Yet they did not come across as so needy, although devoted til death. Edward was ready to kill himself rather than be without Bella. While that is romantic, it is not necessarily a sign of a fully adjusted person. Bella is much the same in regards to her alternating depression and indecision.

      Men can understand what it is like to be in love with two people as much as women, perhaps more so due to a man’s wiring. We get Bella’s confusion. But when these various character flaws are depicted in a movie setting, the characters may not be ones for which we have too much compassion. Certainly it would be different if experienced first in the book where we could know all the inner monologue.

      In the end, we are only talking about the movies here, and trying to have a little fun. Take it in good humor and laugh with us. We really are joking at and with them as they joke about themselves a little with comments like the one regarding Jacob wearing a shirt. We enjoyed Twilight. We disliked New Moon. Eclipse was okay. These are movie opinions only. Nothing is perfect.

      PS – Fans of the book should rejoice that the movie adaptations of a series they like so much are so successful, even if not loved by all.

    • Hahahaha… was waiting for an indignant Twilight fan to find these pages. Seriously, there isn’t even a flicker of outright insult anywhere in the review, yet still…

      However, a portrayal of true love is exactly what the whole Twilight thing isn’t. 🙂 That is all I will say, for fear of trolling. Try something a little less… Twilight, if you want true love. The Princess Bride is a good one.

      Otherwise, a good and justified review as always, dear Fortresses!

      • The farthest reaches of truest love are hard to comprehend. Does the Twilight saga make it any easier? Shed light on its true nature? Model well adjusted and mature relationships? No. No. And …er yes! (Oh, that is if that last one is referring to Carlisle and Esme Cullen.) Ha.

        We appreciate your understanding that the Fortress is indeed not out to outright callously insult. We poke fun, satirize and compliment too, all in a reasonably fair analytical light. Most media we try to enjoy and not take too seriously. However some media like the HBO John Adams travesty need to be soberly addressed and called out.

  3. Romeo & Juliet is a million times better than Twilight, easily. But I played Romeo in college, so I’m biased. 😛 – but seriously, R&J has been read, studied, and performed for centuries. I’m sure Twilight will be discarded within a generation.

    “Bella”, I share Fortress Guy’s opinion, this movie does not portray “True Love”. Twilight claims to depict “True Love”, when its more like romantic idolatry.

  4. I think the statement Fortress Takes makes sums up this movie pretty well. “It just is.” Perhaps it’s the transition from book-to-movie that ultimately took it down the disjointed path, but I did not feel that the scenes or intensity of drama were well-linked or balanced. It was forceful in some parts, underplayed in others, and overall I felt a disconnect from the plot. It most likely was one of those situations where the producers had to ram it through quickly without worrying about necessary balances that make for a well-rounded movie. And in part that is why I didn’t feel moved at the end of the movie. It just was.

    That one line/paragraph synopsis was well done. I definitely felt all of those contrived bits in the movie, as the Fortress stated, and for the most part I gave those bits a pass so as to just enjoy the movie for enjoyment’s sake. But it is still fun to point out the obvious bits that are just so…Twilight. ; )

    Fang, how classic! Perfectly inserted. I remember drinking that stuff when I was kid. I always preferred the Type ‘B’ flavor myself. How vonderfully fangtastic it vas. Ha.

    Good point on the dialogue vs. action balance. I do prefer movies that have a good balance, where action can be used to effectively communicate plot advancements to the audience (without dumbing it down with narration). But, this movie was meant for all ages (tweenies and below), so we know why a lot of the dialogue was inserted.

    Ah, Bella’s character. There are mountains upon mountains of discussions regarding her character and how she shapes the female audience that watches and reads about her. She is a dangerous role model. Okay, at least the over-expressive acting is something to look forward to. Ha. Well, with hope she will choose higher roles in the future. Overall, I can’t get behind her character. Her actions are not done with a true heart and a clear mind, but with brash, impulsive emotions. She also makes it clear that she KNOWS what she wants. Please… She is barely 18 years old. She doesn’t know what ALL there is to offer in the world. She’s already given up and she’s not even become an adult yet? That’s a cop-out if I ever heard one. Edward at least has the experience, but she won’t listen to him. His patience is a virtue. Her ignorance is not. Ahh, I am going too long on this. All in all, girls (and some women) should steer clear of the Bella path. Love is good, but it is not rooted in feelings and emotions. To do that is to cheapen the depth of a true connection. Take it slow and grow together for the right reasons. Feelings are good, but they shouldn’t rule you.

    If anyone connects with Bella’s character, pull the antilock brake on your life and re-examine where you are currently. You do not want to be Bella. You want to be strong, independent, and happy with yourself first and foremost. If you depend on someone for any of those traits you may need to make some attitudinal adjustments, which will make you happy in the end. (Same goes for guys who fall into the Edward-type.)

    Yay, now that I have alienated my sex, (ha) I can agree to the many parts where those in the Fortress have pointed (and chuckled) at the oddities of the Twilight movies. Dakota Fanning does irk me quite a bit when I see her as the haughty teen-queen vampire. I’m guessing that is the purpose, so well done! Jasper’s character confounded me for the entirety of the movie after learning he was a Civil War soldier and not the newbie vampire? Someone on the staff needs to be fired. 😉 And Victoria? Not exactly a compelling villain in my eyes. Still after one girl? Bella? Come on…if you want something done will you should have hit higher. Like the counsel. Instead, Vicky sadly fell into the obsession of Bella Swan.

    Perhaps it’s just me, but this movie went out of its way to show that Bella was the center of the world. Really? Everyone went out of their way to help her, and it felt ridiculous and contrived after a while. She should have been shipped off to Florida to stay with her mom. Heck, she could have ridden Jacob’s back the whole way there to hide her scent. Sheesh. (Ahh poor Jacob…but that is whole other can of worms.)

    Overall? It wasn’t a terrible movie, and I am picky when outing the parts that have fallen flat in all three movies. Was it still enjoyable in its own action-packed way? Sure. I won’t ever be able to get into the craze, but it was entertaining. Will I ever like Bella’s character? Now that’s pushing it. Heh.

    Thanks to those in the Fortress for a refreshing look at an old craze. 🙂

    PS Why do I feel the sudden urge to run out and buy a week’s worth of hoodies?

    • Yeah, although it was not completely disjointed in our opinion, it was not overly er, “jointed” either. We too felt that disconnect, especially when Victoria fell back dead, er, dead again, ah, re-dead. Whatever. Her motivation was never fully developed in the movie series. She seemed a shallow excuse for a villain, and now she is gone.

      You drank Fang? “Vonderful”. “Vee vant some right now.” 😉

      Well said about love being a lot more than passing feelings and emotional rushes. That is a mature concept. It may also be an alien concept to many (and we know a thing or two about alien concepts).

      Like you explained, we would encourage everyone to first become as whole a person as they can and not require someone else to be so. Depending on someone else sucks them of their own life force and can eventually lead to a disharmonious or broken relationship.

      Well, it was good to read one of your ginormous and insightful comments again Zhanneel (847 words). Perhaps you can appreciate the effort it takes to keep our non-caption text below 599. You are under no such self imposed limitations, so feel free to continue to write away.

      PS – Hoodies come in handy amongst the ice and crystal.

      • Thanks for enjoying my novel. I’ll try to write more novellas in the future instead. 😉 But sometimes the fingers run amok and write of their own accord.

        Keeping thoughts and replies to less than 600 words? That is a mighty feat, but those in the Fortress are gifted in the ways of keeping it short, sweet, and fully informative. And as always, wit-fully entertaining.

  5. Hi, Remember me? You better will….
    I was looking foward to this take.
    So, I agree with people who said you should read the books( obviously I was too lazy to read all comments), for example if you had read the books before seeing the movies you would have never gotten the expression of Jasper being a newbie. His simply new to the lifestyle. Also in Twilight there was a great capture of Carlise life and I was sad when it wasn´t in the movie so if you hope to know more about Carlise you do have to read the books. I actually found this movie same as u did – better than New Moon, but…. Which is disappointing cause Eclipse is my favorite book of the series.
    What? No comment on Rosalie? I simply loved her in this she was actually what she was supposed to be – more beautiful than any other woman Bella had seen. Okay, THAT´S overdoing it but still I think she looked perfect.
    About Kristen – yes her facial expressions are terrible, but Bella isn´t like that. she simply isn´t a very good actor.(SORRY KRISTEN!) I man I got a DVD with her and she looks Exactly the same though she was playing a 15 year old spy kid. I also thinks she makes Bella too strong. I mean she looks like she´s about to get in beetween when Edward and Jacob fight. Bella was truly sweet, soft and….you know.
    Btw – You couldn’t blame movie plot of being bad, cause they do use a book. They changed it a lot though.
    Have you been in love? Neither have I, but when yo re worried about girls never getting married cause they look for someone as perfect as Edward here´s wha I say – There´s no point of marring someone who isn´t perfect for you.
    Pleasure to read your takes.
    Helina

    • We like your comments Helina, they make us think. We are glad to see you back.

      We have no doubt that there is much in the books regarding the characters that we would like to know; much that never makes it to the movie screen. That is a shame, but part of the problem of movies based on books. We are really judging these series by movies alone, so book fans please try to see it through that lens.

      We hope you understand why we thought of Jasper that way. The movie clearly showed him displaying the newbie characteristics in the previous outings. It might be hard to see him that way if you read the books, but for those of us who have not (or tried and gave up) it seemed an abrupt change. Jasper hardly said a word in two previous movies, and now was going on and on in his southern accent and leading. It was a sudden change to those who knew only what the movies told us.

      Rosalie was our least favorite Cullen, well her the the Mrs. So it was nice to see her fleshed out a bit and she did go up a notch.

      Bella? We have heard alternate tales that Kristen cannot act and ones that say Bella is actually whiny and weak. If you go by what the movies show, the girl does have some issues. We are just saying.

      You make a good point Helina about marrying someone perfect for you. There are no perfect people out there. Any person will soon see the flaws in their spouse. However, if that is the right person for you, and your attitude is right, flaws can and must be overlooked. We just worry a little about some people setting up fantasy expectations that are unrealistic. Those people have disappointments in their future.

      We hope they put in some of the Carlisle background in the next movie. He is a solid character.

      Stop by any time Helina.

  6. Hmm… good comments all around. Although there’s still a lot of accusations about “never being in love.” For the ladies out there, NEWSFLASH: Twilight is emotional pornography!

    • Yeah, the Fortress seems to take a few hits for trying to be rational about one of the most irrational things in the universe, love. It is the same on any world, believe us.

      We agree that there is definitely some basis for your label of the Twilight series. Perhaps if someone from the Times is reading we may yet get that newsflash. 😉

  7. Reading all your Twilight takes one after another made me notice a little something. You did a good job being neutral about the first movie, (especially with the haters vs. fans craze all over the place) picking up things that were good and things that, well, could be better. New Moon take was a little blue, but you still kept up the right atitude (impressive). And Eclipse. Now this is my favourite take, since it’s full of cynical remarks, each hitting the bullseye. Seem like you are a bit tired (and irritated?) with the series. Sorry, there’s still Breaking Dawn to come, although I suspect it might have a more er… gripping storyline?

    Having not watched any of the movies (apart from Vampires Suck, though that’s a parody, so…) I rely, as always on the Fortress for a realistic opinion 😉

    • Hey M. Your appraisal was indeed correct. We thought the first movie an interesting take done on a modest budget. Up in the arctic circle the full scope of the craze had not fully hit us at the time. But New Moon opened our eyes to the… drawbacks of the series (charitable). Not we must see it through or void our Kryptonian warranty. Fortunately it opens the door to more snarky humor.

      “Fortress Takes: Watching the Twilight series so YOU don’t have to!”
      Oh, so scary...

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