Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li [2009]

Why bother writing a take on a movie 26 people saw?  A movie that grossed 12 million dollars worldwide (yes, they did not even care for it abroad).  Why?  Because it tempts us.  It sits there looking at us in all its mediocrity.  Daring us.  Okay then.  We will take up that dare -even though it is possible more people will read this take than have seen the film.

Okay, a one sentence synopsis of this gem:  Before her time in Street Fighter (and apparently before her huge muscular thighs) Chun Li embarked on a quest for vengeance against the evil Shadaloo organization and its head M. Bison for kidnapping her father and later terrorizing the Hong Kong slums and along the way she will learn valuable lessons about herself, martial arts and making fireballs.

Likable Neal McDonough was a perfect fit for the maniacal, distorted, psycho-powered monster that is the villain of villains, General M. Bison.   Just look how evil he looks in this picture!

We think Kristin Kreuk is easy on the eyes (but not necessarily the most likable screen presence).  However that does not make her an appropriate “Chun Li”.  We mean for starters, … -ah, should not Chun Li be played by someone who looks more …well, Asian?  Kreuk may have Asian blood, but she does not really look the part of the muscular, tough as nails Hong Kong resident.

Okay, let us just say this up front and get it out of the way. Lana Lang is not Chun Li. BTW, if you like Chun’s classic hair style, you will only see it in this one scene.  But Chun can dance…

To this end they change the background of Chun Li.  Now she is half Asian, her father is a business man in San Francisco rather than an undercover law enforcement officer investigating Shadaloo in Hong Kong.  We would not mind so much if playing fast and loose with the continuity made for a better movie.  It really did not.

Balrog is also a pitchman for a popular brand of canned fruit.  Michael Clarke Duncan diary entry:  “What happened to my career?  I was in ‘The Green Mile’…”

It was not a bad movie.  It was a decent made-for-TV movie.  Dare I say even one destined to play on the infamous Lifetime or We channels.  You know what they are like.  Every movie has to contractually contain either an abusive husband or a woman getting pushed down a flight of stairs – or both.

“Vega? There is somebody on the phone from Twentieth Century studios. Something about a missing Predator mask?”

While there was some action in this movie, it was not an action movie.  Kreuk can pull of some of the martial arts moves, but her spare frame does not really convey the power to the viewer.  (For that you need to watch the Dead or Alive movie, be we digress.)  We could possibly buy her as a warrior, but not as Chun Li.

Unsurprisingly, the climax involved Kreuk’s Chun Li using a fireball.  Eh, underwhelming.

One who does embody martial arts is surprise co-star Robin Shou as Gen.   Shou does a good job in his scenes.  He is likable and believable – even if the wig he wore was not.  We wanted more Shou.

OMG! Gen is really… Liu Kang! Mortal Konbaaaaaat!!

Robin Shou added some martial arts weight to the movie. His Gen was almost as believable as his Liu Kang.  He really sold the fireball in this scene (-on an open rooftop with higher surrounding buildings.  Yup, he knows martial arts but really stinks at secrecy.)

There really was not a lot of the Street Fighter franchise in this movie.  Just names.  It also costarred a pair of incompetent underwhelmingly acted law enforcement agents.  One ostensibly a Street Fighter back bencher Charlie Nash, and the other a no-bencher named Maya.  These two grab a lot of screen time, flirt, say ridiculous things and flirt some more.

These two were total bumblers. It was hard to take them seriously as anything more than law enforcement stereotypes.  “Ya’ think this expression is stooopid Maya?  You ain’t seen nuttin’.”

“Look, this one is ever stooopider!” Klein HAD to be doing a bad Owen Wilson imitation. There is no other way to explain his performance.  (Note “Maya” trying to keep a straight face.)

This movie is guilty of a ubiquitous Hollywood cliche:  Starring role cops leading hardened rifle wielding SWAT teams from the front – with their little handguns.  We had a flashback to Danny Glover doing it in Predator 2.  It was not a pretty sight.

Please. Somebody told “Nash” that the wider your stance, the less likely you are to be perforated by a bullet. They lied.

Oh just stop it. This is as believable as: a) Kreuk as Chun Li  b) McDonough as Bison  c) Kreuk’s fireball d) All of the above  e)  I do not care and love Alien versus Predator Requiem.

Other Street Fighter characters portrayed were Vega, Balrog and M. Bison.  The first two were fitting.  However Neal McDonough as Bison was poor casting.  We like McDonough in just about all his roles, but this was a part he fit as well as Kruek fit Chun Li.  Hmm, so maybe in that sense he DID fit.

“Mortaaal Kooombaaaat!!”

Overall, you might as well wait for Lifetime Channel if you have any interest at all.  There is definitely no rush.

Oh, and they even planted seeds for the “sequel”.  Someone must have been very optimistic (and needs to lay off the hallucinogenic drugs).

Check out our Street Fighter

& martial combat related takes:

Street Fighter IV: The Ties That Bind [2009]

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li [2009]

Naruto Shippuden [2007] Season 1. 26 Episodes

Rurouni Kenshin [1996-1998] 95 Episodes

Transporter 3 [2008]

Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion [2006-2007] Season 1. 25 Episodes

Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion (Code Geass) is a well paced, high-quality endeavor.  It does well in the action and design categories, and okay in the the emotional content and plot categories.

Code Geass is a serious show dealing with serious political issues and war.  We did not get too many warm fuzzies.  Characters will die, especially in and around the season finale.  The producers also took their own show a little too seriously.  Each episode’s recap/intro is accompanied by narration which is obtuse, self-important and liberally throws around deep sounding phrases like “atoning for sin”.

Will these two starcrossed lovers make it? Or will one shoot the other in the stomach?

That aside the show beings a lot to the table.  The action has been tactically thought out and that is communicated clearly to the viewer.  The mechs are fun to watch and engage in interesting ways.  Part of the technology of Code Geass involves offense grappling hooks.  They seem strange for a moment but you get used to them fast enough.  Diversity in the mech category usually comes in the “prototype” variety.  Yup, another super-mech trashing the regular ones.

We thought a key strength of this series was the long lanky character design.  (You will be hard pressed to find a single overweight person in the entire series.)  You get used to it quickly, and before you know it you like it.  Then you start to relish each obviously crafted shot of good looking characters in fitted outfits.  They actually got better at this as the season progressed.

Cecile:  Well that subtitle says it all.

Where Code Geass did not fare as well was in the area of story and plot.  The half hour episodes held up well enough.  However the overall progression of interconnected characters, factions, government entities and desires often wove a web over such a wide area that it was too thin to walk upon.  “Okay, this one is a duke; this one a half-sister related to that mother who was killed by… who?”

“Sir, I am picking up some dangling plot questions.” “Good, stay on them.  And by the way, that outfit looks smashing on you.”

Okay, here is our patented one sentence synopsis for Code Geass – and if you have watched this show you know how hard this is:  In a future world dominated by a new British empire a wronged young royal takes the guise of a mysterious rebel leader and using a special new power to control minds unites the freedom fighters in Japan against their imperial oppressors so that he may eventually destroy the empire and avenge his mother.  Whew.

Code Geass may start a new unexpected trend of putting capes on mechs.

Unfortunately the show splits your viewer allegiance on many fronts.  This may be the its biggest deficit.  Who you root for gets very muddy.  You want to root for the wronged royal “Zero” who is the star, but he skirts along the dark side too much.  You could root for the earnest true hearted friend – but he is fighting against the rebels for the bad empire.

The enigmatic Zero. Also the ruthless Zero, and occasionally the soft-hearted Zero.

They also cause this splitting in regards to the romances.  They set up many potential couples that you may indeed want to see unite, but in the end only a few of the many possibilities will make it, and that leads to disappointment.  Some characters are set up with misplaced emotions.  Some are enmeshed in love triangles… ah squares… I mean pentagons actually.  The emotional quandaries for viewers detract from the whole.

C.C.:  “Would I give you an amorous look like this if I didn’t mean it?”

Despite the complex plot and multiple characters which take extra concentration to follow, and the questions you think could have been answered in 25 episodes but are not, Code Geass is definitely worth watching.  We would have preferred more of a season ending – because it leaves you in a unhappy place.  However they knew they were coming back for season 2.

Check out our take on Code Geass season two.

Death Race [2008]

Girl: "Why am I in this film again?" Statham: "Sex appeal, baby. Sex Appeal."

I went into this movie expecting very little except for the fact that I like Jason Statham.  What I got was an action filled romp slightly better and slightly deeper than my expectations.  It was not low budget, because they clearly burned a lot of money on the extravagant race battle scenes, but it had a little of that feel.

Spacing rules on highways of the future are strictly enforced.

Jason Statham is usually cast as an extremely competant average Joe who you do not want to mess with and just wants to be left alone/do his job.  Well his casting in Death Race is no exception.  He plays a sympathetic guy who gets wronged and railroaded into the death race.  Throughout this journey he will do what he does best and what viewers have come to expect from him; drive well and beat up thugs.

"Okay who's first? Ah nevermind. Just all come at me at the same time."

Everybody likes to see bullies get whats coming to them.  In the prison setting Statham is dropped into, there is ample opportunity for him to show off his moves.  It is like locking MacGuyver in a tool shed.  Statham is a natural on the screen when it comes to flinging fists and feet.  It is believable and entertaining.

The gatling gun option was too expensive for my budget during my last car-buying experience. Pity.

The driving sequences were well done.  The production took them seriously and it showed.  There are plenty of explosions, twists, and a couple quick gory shots.  The full-sized prop vehicles sold the action.  The surprise inclusion of a weapon festooned big rig was entertaining.

Of course hotties from the all girl prison have to act as co-pilots.  Sure why not, throw in a little sex appeal and potential romance.  That also ends up playing into the fact that Death Race had a little more heart than I was expecting.

There is a whole family sub-plot which drives Statham’s character.  There is also the sort-of family that grows within prison walls.  The “Coach” character did a surprisingly good job bringing that to the fore in an unobtrusive way.  He was also responsible for some of the dry humor the film displayed.  That was unexpected and seemingly out of place, yet it worked.

Ian McShane sold the "Coach" part.

Is Death Race a sequel to the 1975 film Death Race 2000?  No.  It is a stand alone piece built loosly on the 1975 premise.

Is the overall plot of Death Race shallow?  Hello, the movie is called Death Race.  Yes it is thin.  Were you expecting King Lear?  No of course not.  Go in with lowered expectations and you will do okay.  It certainly is a must for any Jason Statham fan.  Death Race will surprise you with good action and more-than-expected heart.

Watchmen [2009]

It may have a name, but most of you will just remember it as the "NiteOwlMobile".

One of Watchmen's happier moments.

Fortress Takes is not afraid to go against the trend.  In fact we enjoy being an outlet for those who want a confirmation of their against-the-grain opinions.  We thought our take on Watchmen was going to be counter-trend, but as of this writing it is only hovering at 64% on Rotten Tomatoes.  So it seems a number of others felt as we did (or the local CVS pharmacy was out of Prozac).

Watchmen is not a superhero movie.  It is gritty political satire in an alternate world with super-powered people.  In fact it is satire wrapped in sarcasm tied with a bow of cynicism.  The layers of overlapping symbolism grew so deep that at times you might wonder what message the filmmakers were trying to send.  “Okay, so this guy who you thought was bad might be good for the alternate America.”  Later, “No wait he is bad.”  Later still, “Huh?  Wait a minute, now we are supposed to think he is good again?  &%#@*!”

Americans should not feel too bad about the anti-American bent to the satire, because beyond that there was an anti-human message.  Yes, one key message with which you can easily walk out of the theatre is “humanity is horrible”.  Disgusting, warlike, deviant, perverted wretches living in constantly rain soaked squalor.  Nihilism.  Look it up.  That was the un-fun message.

However when making an interminably long and self-serious movie (2 hours 43 minutes) with characters that have potential you are bound to entertain in at least a few scenes.  When Batman, er Night Owl and Silk Stalkings, er Spectre fight their way down that prison corridor, it was fun.  When they destroyed those predatory thugs in the alley you appreciated the irony.  Unfortunately these scenes were too few and far between.

Hawkman and Black Canary are a devastating team...

One character the movie goes to great lengths to get you to behind is Rorschach.  (Yes, he is over the top and crosses the line against bad guys.)  As the narrator of the film when it was trying to be noir-ish, you followed him as he investigated his unlikely but true conspiracy therory. When unmasked and alone in prison, you wanted the little guy to survive against the criminal vermin.

Rorschach: Half noir detective, half Punisher, and... ahh, half Batman.

He was uncompromising regarding the truth.  That is why we suppose the completely unsympathetic character Doctor Manhattan explodes him in the film’s second to last minute.  “Huh?  Did that just happen?”  Oh do not worry.  After 2 hours and 42 minutes of holding that existing social and political institutions must be destroyed in order to clear the way for a new state of society, we get 1 minute of saccharin.  Yup, that fake, out of place, sunny-for-once moment is supposed to somehow overpower the sour taste in your mouth.

Additionally, at the risk of being puerile:  We know Doctor Manhattan has become a (boring) energy being and has indifference for all things human, including the quaint notion of clothes.  But still, he did occasionally wear a little black speedo for the sake of others.  Sadly it was only occasionally.  Some of us got tired of seeing his glowing blue dork in many a scene.

There were some decent special effects, but not extraordinary.  The costume designs were inconsistent in quality.  Watchmen is not terrible, but know what you are getting into.  Readers of the graphic novel knew; the rest voted on Rotten Tomatoes.

Gran Torino [2008]

This is the guy you remember. Shooting butt and taking names. This is the reason many of you saw this film. This was not exactly what you got. "I told you kids to stay off my lawn!"

Gran Torino is a solid enough movie.  Did you notice it had some “indie” feel.  However the solid performances by the female lead and Clint himself kept it a notch above in acting quality.  I cannot say the rest of the cast delivered a thespian tour de force, and the script was occasionally weak.  But the movie itself is solid enough that these things can be overlooked.

I found some of the scenes rather slow and others “unfun” enough that I wanted to speed through them at 2X.  Yet despite this the plot builds nicely.  It was great to see Clint’s character break out his Korean War era weapons to intimidate local gang punks, forcing them to break off their violence.  I am sure many of us felt a sense of vicarious justice as we have seen criminal pukes ruin lives.

While I bet Eastwood is tired of continued comparisons to his famous Dirty Harry character, it cannot help but be said for this picture. "Go ahead punk, make my day."

While ethnic slurs fly like shuriken at ninja school, it is equal opportunity and no groups are spared.  Underneath that the story slowly builds real bonds between Clint and his unlikely new friends that turn out to be closer than family.  Hopefully this makes you want to tighten your relations with family or if that is not possible build some real ones with others.  (Of course here amongst the ice and crystal of the Fortress, human contact is far more limited.)

"I got this here at S-Mart. It's got a walnut stock and a hair trigger. You got that!"

As the climax approached the movie could have gone in two ways.  Clint decided to take the passive route even though the character leaned the other way the entire movie.  While not as satisfying it did bring the gang pukes to justice.  It did not however give them sufficient comeuppance.  Villains getting their full comeuppance is part of what makes drama work and a denouement cathartic.

Part of me sure wanted to see Clint and his new friend storm that gang house and mete out some old school justice Korean War style.  Oh well.

"You got a problem with the way I ended this movie you *&%$@ whipper snapper?"