How to Read Fortress Takes!

We here in the Fortress care about you.

Think of us are your witty friends that come over on a Friday night.  Pardon us for raiding the fridge and hogging the remote for a few minutes.  It can be a hard existence up north in our Fortress of ice and crystal.

So why are we writing this?

There might be a few out there that think us harsh or overly critical because we make fun of media.  Believe us when we say we are in no way mean spirited.  Just look at our interaction in the comments.  Our goal is to educate and entertain.  Many times we get favorable comments from people who liked a production of which we made fun.

Did we jape at Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles?  Yes, but we also enjoyed it (mostly in the beginning).  Plus look at the difference between these two picture captions:

Before the Fortress Takes Treatment

Summer Glau strikes a publicity shot action pose for the part of Cameron, a cyborg in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

After the Fortress Takes Treatment

While training to play a terminator, Summer Glau modified her jazzercise routine. It did not help her aim, but did manage to clear out a number of gyms.

We know nothing is perfect, but a little satire may make you feel better about those two hours you wasted in quaint Earth theaters.  Most of our takes are on media we thought we would like.  Some we did, some not so much, -and a few were worse than that in our humble Kryptonian opinions.  You do not have to agree, but you may get some laughs at our freeze-dried wit.

Who should avoid Fortress Takes?

We are glad you asked that.  Please look carefully at the following list and make sure you do not qualify:

• The too serious.
• The humor challenged.
• Communists
• The easily offended.
• Pandorians
• General Zod

How do I read a Fortress Take?

Most of the time the our 599 words (or less!) of text are the more serious critique.  The picture captions are where we usually jest with every take, whether it is one we like or not.

Of course some are easier to satirize than others.  That is just the way the ice melts.

For example, take a gander at these two caps from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.  We do not even have to add captions to these pictures of the cop character played by Chris Klein.

You can check our take for the actual captions, but believe us that character was half goofball, half stereotype, and er, half believable.  Was Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li a great movie?  No.  But some here in the Fortress like the Street Fighter franchise, so we have to admit it was a partially guilty pleasure.  Liked or not, the captions flow from the fertile minds here in the ice and crystal.

We are not above watching what we might consider less-than-stellar media.  So why not just enjoy the journey and have some laughs with us.  If you have something to say, if you think we have been harsh, unfair or too fair please comment.  We will hear you out and respond with “super” intelligence.  If you want even more interaction click on over to Facebook.

Facebook is now FORTRESSbook

You peoples on the continents, you seem so obsessed with this social networking phenomenon.  Well, far be it from us to not try to blend in with the native population.  To that end we spent hours adjusting our stealthy satellite connection.  We worked tirelessly with spare bits of ice and crystal technology in order to facilitate a connection with Facebook.

Look at Michael Ironside's expression. Oh, he knows what it is like to live in the cold. (And fight giant bugs, but that is another story -er, movie.)

Some of you have expressed a desire for more casual back-and-forth with us.  Now that is possible through our avatar “Fortress Guy”.  So go and write something on our wall if you like.  See what the Fortress might say.

You will also be able to participate in our weekly CAPTION CONTEST.

Additionally be thrilled by our COMMENT OF THE WEEK.  Plus there may be other fabulous prizes!

Do it for the future.

Fortress Takes wants to hear YOUR take!

Fortress Takes has no problem going against the popular trend.  You would know this if we decided to weigh in with our scathing counter-trend take on Batman: The Dark Knight.  We do not have to be popular, we would rather be right!  (Of course, we appreciate the popularity with your participation too.  But we digress.)

Sending our media probes out of the Fortress into the cold artic night is just what we do.  But you can weigh in from the comfort of your anonymous (and warm) domicile.  So we encourage you to continue commenting your opinion. Do you agree with the Fortress of ice and crystal?

fortresstakes@gmail.com

Who are they in the Fortress?

The personalities behind Fortress Takes are avatared by The Fortress Guys.  They represent decades of experience in creative fields. For now, they must remain anonymous.

Fortress Takes does not necessarily follow popular opinion. It has built for many years resistance to peer pressure. Political correctness has crept into and choked the popular media, but it has not choked the interweb. Do not remain quiet when your opinion dissents from the crowd, and we promise to do the same.

If a comment is not enough, you can contact us on Facebook or at fortresstakes@gmail.com.

Welcome to the Fortress. We have a take for you.

Did you happen to catch a movie late one night?  There was something outrageous in it.  However you have no one with whom to discuss it because none of your friends have even seen the obscure flick.   Maybe it is listed here.

Perhaps you have been watching a television show.  The first season is over and your friends are all crazy about it.  However you are not so sure, but discussing it with them is pointless … or worse.  You may not be wrong, and you are certainly not alone.

We hope you can find some solace in one of our growing list of takes on all sorts of media.  Some of them may not be popular.  Some may go against the “trend”.  However one may just be the confirmation you have been looking for.  You are not crazy.

FortressTakes@gmail.com