The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 [2011]

Breaking Dawn highlights the difference between a plot about serious things, and taking yourself too seriously. Of course an author wants people to be emotionally invested in the characters they create. However that investment should come naturally and not be forced upon us through maudlin trudging.

Why so angry...uh, what's your name again? Oh, Rosalie. You actually had a part for the first time!

"If it's not too late Bella, I'd like to ask you to play for Team Jacob again. Please, think of all the Slim Fast this part has forced down my throat."

Breaking down Breaking Dawn in one sentence: Edward the vampire does very little for an hour and a half and yet comes across less pathetic than the previous series entry while self absorbed Jacob finally carries a plot-line, and matures to 8th grade level while the world’s least desirable girl, Bella Swan, continues an unbroken streak of insecure and awkward dealings with everyone she knows- oh and the werewolves and vampires fight over a demon child for about 90 seconds.

Just whose fantasy wedding is this, Stephenie Meyer? Hmmm?

Sorry Charlie, even your acting prowess cannot out "awkward look" Stewart's Bella Swan. The most uncomfortable wedding ever.

When it comes to creating an entertaining movie, book, play… anything, one is often in modern times counseled to start things off with a bang. Something to interest and draw and an audience wider than just diehard… er, twihards. The opening scene of this movie- our first glimpse in quite some time into the fascinating world of vampires and werewolves, is a pointless scene about high heels. It’s followed by a nearly as pointless scene about Edwards past, which as far as we can tell has nothing to do with anything.

Greene's Alice has not looked this good since the first film (though we miss the flirty hair wings). Too bad they turned her character into a one-dimensional fashionista.

If you thought the Twilight series could not get more insular and niche, you were wrong. We suppose self-centered, self indulgent content should be expected in the fourth book of the series. After all, who’s going to be reading it if they are not very interested in the thinning plot. However this does not make for an exciting or well-rounded movie.

"Would you three move closer together. I can fit all our insignificant parts into this tiny little box."

"Oh Edward, the moon's beautiful." "Really? I think it's a special effect."

The Breaking Dawn formula:

1. Three parts continuous awkward shots of Bella and everyone she knows
2. One part low-budget super-speed blur effect borrowed from Smallville
3. One part uninteresting, normal looking computer-generated wolves
4. Mix liberally (but without action) and coat with white pancake makeup

"I'd like to propose a toast: To the first lines I've had in two movies. Cheers!"

Smooth move Edward, bringing Bella to have a private wedding night dance with Jacob by the woods. Isn’t that some sort of faux pas- or should we say faux PAW. (We know. Our humor is beyond belief.) Oh, and it is interesting to note that everyone is more excited about Bella’s wedding then Bella. The way they were giving standing ovations you would think she was a British Princess. That is literally the first half hour. Oh, not a word from our favorite character Carlisle… *sad*

"I have bad news. This is my only scene."

Bella Swan's wide range of expressions on display...

The producers spice up the next drawn out, awkward honeymoon scenes with emo ballads. Sadly, as many have found out cooking, not all spices are good for the dish. It finally ends with Bella throwing up, realizing she is pregnant. It is a shock to everyone (who has not read the book or had the plot ruined in any of a million other ways). Did not Carlisle have that little “birds and bees” talk with Edward? And so ends the second half hour. Two down, one to go.

There are far worse honeymoon pastimes.

Imagine coming home from your honeymoon and seeing your new wife in... a more realistic light.

Stephenie Meyer’s writing style may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe she made sense on those book pages. The movie tried to convey a lot of it with voiceovers, cross dissolves, jump cuts and imagery ridden montages. What is “imprinting” exactly?

"Hey, look it's me again. I didn't get to say much but I got a lot of cool shots this time."

Breaking Dawn is one of those times where moviemakers decide to split a profitable franchise book into two movies-  and it doesn’t work (except to make money). Okay, we admit we were not expecting much at all. However, even if you are fan of this franchise you have to admit this three act movie was thin on action, answers, plot… and entertainment value. Very thin.

"Where should we use our effects dollars? Fight scenes or computer generated vampire death venom flowing through Bella's veins?"

Epilogue: The Euro effete loser Volturi apparently and literally do nothing more than sit on these chairs all day... every day. Their mannerisms were so over the top that this scene could be dropped unchanged into a spoof.

________________________________

The Twilight Saga:

Twilight 2008

New Moon 2009

Eclipse 2010

Breaking Dawn – part 1 – 2011

Iron Man (anime) [2011] Season 1. 12 episodes

Anime has some strengths. However Marvel Entertainment captured only a few with this version of Iron Man. They were more successful at capturing numerous drawbacks.

But on the bright side, Iron Man likes puppies.

"I know you must have a cold metallic heart, not unlike my own. But my dear Dr. Tanaka, how can you resist my boyish, billionaire charm?"

A season’s plot in a sentence: A slightly off version of Tony Stark visits Japan to give up being Iron Man, give away top-notch versions of his armor to doofuses, give obsessive attention to world peace, and give a loose collection of enemies under the supposed banner of Zodiac a halfhearted fight while interacting with a bunch of second-tier characters before they die, and smooching with a cold hearted scientist cyborg before she dies.

The supposedly "supersmart" organization Zodiac fields the uber goofiest contraptions. Was that top one supposed to be a turtle? And the middle one was some mighty tornado creation machine. You'd think with that kind of power... oh never mind. And we think the bottom one was supposed be a bull. Zodiac is really hurtin' for ideas...

"Hey, are we tragic secondary characters who die or goofy comic relief?"

What is one strength of anime? Deep and complex plots. We are sad to say that Iron Man anime’s plot was shallow and obtuse. The whole zodiac plot could have been dropped in lieu of the two bad guys. The result would have been a little more clarity and a lot more satisfaction. Zodiac is supposed to be some sort of high-tech offshoot of A.I.M. We never see this organization. Their presence remains too amorphous to be menacing.

Iron Man technology for everybody! What could possibly go wrong?

Pepper Potts has really grown into her role... (She had about 3 lines.)

For a few episodes zodiac’s greatest contribution to the series seems to be sending in a few nonsensical robot enemies-of-the-week. Why were they doing it? What was the point? What about all those suits of armor stolen in the first episode? Do we even care anymore? For 12 episodes this series creates more questions than answers.

The goofy Zodiac robot on top disabled Iron Man- but did not finish him! Instead it brought him into the delicate inner workings... You can imagine how that worked out. The bottom one? A robot designed to look like ...a creature from a monster movie? *head shake*

But Iron Man likes charity walks!

The top bad guy barely appears, however we do see runner-up bad guy, Yinsen, a little bit more. They tried but failed to give him coherent motivation. Certainly not enough to justify his inexplicable desire to destroy Japan when his problem seemed to be that Stark once made weapons.

"You thought I was dead Mr. Stark, but I'm not. You thought I was a good guy, but I'm not...etc." Yinsen pretty much beats up Iron Man for a whole episode. It was so much fun! (not really)

"So Sakurai, you've got armor too?" Who DOESN'T have armor in this series?

Another strength of anime is mecha. Tony Stark’s classic-ish armor (the only shown aside from some space add-ons) looked good, and so did the blue versions he was giving away- if you were one of the first five people to buy his book! Anyway, the rest of the robots and enemies were not very inspired. The machines were computer-generated and the people 2d animation. Neither art direction really thrilled us.

Our runner up for dumbest Zodiac robot: The centaur! Why? Why a centaur? And the winner: ...uh, a giant floating head? Was there drug use going on during production?

But at least Iron Man likes cupcakes.

The show took itself too seriously without any serious payoff. 12 episodes of somberness, struggle, frustration and death with little balance or upside. A better more satisfying Iron Man show that had a serious plot yet without taking itself this seriously was Iron Man Armored Adventures. (It also had better fight choreography.) It was somewhat surprising because the show starred teens, and probably appealed to a teen audience. Yet it still had a serious enough plot to carry adults.

Oh surprise. The big baddie also has a suit of armor. Get 'em while they last! Buy one get two free!

Dr. Chika Tanaka eventually falls for Tony Stark. A woman after all... or is she?

The bad guy organization Zodiac was no Mandarin. Zodiac wasn’t even a presence. Supposedly they were the doofuses who sent random robots every episode. We are still not sure what Zodiac was, except to say it was a name thrown around that made people say, “Oh no” and “I’m scared”. We deserve better after watching 12 episodes, especially considering the body count.

Huh? Dr. Tanaka "transforms" into ...this cyborg? Robot? The armor was insider her? Is she even human?

If you like Iron Man, and you like anime, the show is worth checking out. But do not expect it to be a great mix like peanut butter and chocolate. To not even expect it to be a substantial mix like peanut butter and jelly. It’s more like dehydrated astronaut ice cream. All the calories of ice cream without the satisfaction. Iron Man anime had its fun moments, but was not a very satisfying 12 episode experience.

Talk to the hand.

_____________________________

Iron Man Related Takes:

Iron Man (anime) [2011] Season 1

Iron Man: Armored Adventures [2008] Season 1

Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes [2010] Season 1

Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow [2008]

Batman: Year One [2011 - video]

"Look at my new scooter Mommy. No training wheels!"

What is it that draws us to superheroes? They represent the good and noble. Batman: Year One (B:YO) on the other hand was a one hour and four minute parade of all that is wrong about humanity. You will not find any that are good in this somber, morose and dragging release. That includes Jim Gordon and even Batman himself.

Okay, maybe not Alfred. But he's the exception.

We are going to liven up this take on a boring, depressing feature with fun pictures of Adam West's Batman!

Is B:YO based on a comic book of the same name? Probably. We do not know for sure, nor do we care. What may have made for a good comic book -MAY HAVE, certainly did not make for a satisfying video release. However, if you have just filled a prescription for your antidepressant of choice, we have just the picture for you! Perhaps it would have been more aptly named:

Jim Gordon: The Hardscrabble Early Police Years

Detective Flass is 100% the selfish, good looking, jock stereotype. You know he is bad because he bullies Hare Krishnas. What's next? Nuns?

Oh yeah. How about a pointless fight between pre-Batman Bruce Wayne and pre-Catwoman Selena Kyle. (She's been hitting the weights...)

Our synopsis in a sentence: Troubled billionaire Bruce Wayne returns to Beirut -er, Gotham City where he finds everything and everyone corrupt from the ubiquitous criminal scum to even the Mos Eisley Spaceport Police Force which are a wretched hive of scum and villainy -wait, we meant the Gotham City Police Force against which a whiny, indecisive and amateurish new Batman tries to right the wrongs along with the depressing drama’s real star, gun toting, bat wielding tough guy Jim Gordon who of course is also morally flawed.

Batman pushed to the limit by three teens with a TV.

Batman and Robin pushed to the limit by using the Bat-run to accomplish a 4 minute mile. (Really!)

Yes, Jim Gordon spends more time combating evil than Bruce Wayne. The latter spends most of this dolorous movie agonizing in dark rooms in Wayne Manor, or whining mournful dirges out in the snow in front of gravestones.

Oh Flass, you are so bad. To keep up with his stereotype here he beats up a teen and tosses him in a locker- er, dumpster.

Lest you think we are exaggerating about the stereotype, here is Flass wearing... a varsity jacket.

It seems few even want to clean up Gotham City. You are given the impression it has been corrupt for a long time, and that the city has accepted its deplorable state of moral decay. And honestly by the end of the picture, the woeful state has hardly changed. Nor do you really end up caring. That city as depicted deserves what it gets.

"News flash: Gotham City sucks."

How will Batman get out of this one?

There really is no overarching story. Bruce Wayne meanders his way to becoming Batman, but there is little time devoted to it. Most of the time is spent on amazingly buff Jim Gordon, ex-kick butt commando. Jim Gordon who takes a bat to a corrupt police officer. Jim Gordon who wants to clean up the mess that has become Gotham City. And of course in keeping with this perfidious production, an adulterer behind the back of his pregnant wife.

Jim Gordon about to smooch with Katee Sackhoff voiced Det. Essen.

Is Commissioner Loeb really (stereotypically) bad? Go down the checklist: Overweight? Check. Bow-tie? Check. Super smarmy grin? Oh yeah, he's bad.

If you are a hard-core comic book fan who just loved the comic this production was based upon (or Nolan’s The Dark Knight), you may have some curiosity about seeing B:YO. If you are looking for an entertaining and (even mildly) uplifting story about fighting evil, this is most certainly not for you. There is bad in the world, and evil. However we do not have to, nor should we make it our continual focus.

Ben 10: Ultimate Alien [2011] Season 2. Part 1

B10:UA Season One was 20 episodes. A little unusual, but syndicated animated shows apparently march to a different drum. Season two: 32 episodes? And they took a hiatus of months after the first 12. The Fortress has decided not to wait. We are weighing in on the first half. Who knows when the season will end?

Does this look like a girl who would wait for season to end?

Is Elena an old flame? A mature scientist crushing on a teenager? An evil robot? All of the above?

Is there an arc this season? Not really. It is a parade of single episode enemies both old and new. Fortunately the Ben 10 universe is interesting, vast and diverse. With 9 combined seasons of Ben 10 franchise, there are plenty of embittered, goofy and strange opponents to revisit our “hero”. We almost want to call him an anti-hero since he is so lackluster, self centered and uncaring.

We hope Ben keeps in mind that Eunice is a robot.

Is Ben getting more likable this season? They may be trying a little. It would not take much considering last season’s rock bottom status. However we also think people are just getting used to his leaden personality. He was more likable as a bratty grammar school kid.

Young Grandpa Max kisses- ...an energy creature?

Years later, his grandson smooches with a robot?

After Kevin’s monster period last season, he has returned to be the most likeable member of the three stars. Who does not like the “rogue with a heart of gold”? It is a tried and true formula you may have seen before.

Yes, Kevin is Han Solo. Ben is Luke, however only in his heroic action role, not in likeable personality. And Gwen is indeed the wise-cracking, hard-nosed, no-nonsense, down-to-business, cool-headed Princess Leia type (all those dashes!).  Although she has a little attitude, the team is getting along better. They have moved through their Star Wars: A New Hope banter, through their Empire Strikes Back bickering, and finally into their Return of the Jedi acceptance and teamwork.

Azmuth is back, and crotchety as ever. He points a lot.

Tabloid TV character Will Harangue is back, and also crotchety as ever. Just stay out of politics Ben 10 creators.

Professor Paradox is back. He is not crotchety, however he never seems to pop in with good news.

Last season Gwen was unhappy all the time and did not like it. This season Gwen is unhappy all the time and is resigned to it. Speaking of females in the show, what happened to Ben’s supposed girlfriend Julie? You will be hard pressed to find a bigger bit- uh, …un-pleasable girl with constantly nagging bad attitude. We know Ben is not great catch, but still. All the Julie episodes this season have higher levels of uncomfortableness.

Oh look, Gwen is mad again. That's different... *not*

Ben and Julie's unfun relationship serves as an example to relationship counselors of how not to relate. No mass! No mass!

Here are other questions you may ask:

1. Is there any daylight this season? Very little.
2. Is the world still a strangely uninhabited place? More or less.
3. What about the only female this season without an attitude? She’s a robot.

Sunny is Gwen's cousin with a rebellious streak and a desire to break things. Uh, bad combination even before the energy powers are added...

One thing the Fortress was especially pleased with was the rebirth of the Forever Knights, our favorite villains. We thought they were launched well with their mysterious King way back in the original series. Since then their status has fallen to “losers”, and finally “a joke”. But the return of their founder, Old George, with some high-tech gizmos no less will hopefully reinvigorate them for the rest of this season and beyond. We’ll see.

Could mysterious Old George really be the ancient, original Forever Knight? And where did he get those long overdue armor upgrades? (And why doesn't he trim that beard?)

The writing continues to be quality, although quirky and perhaps not everyone’s cup of tea. Sometimes episodes are slow-moving and resolve less than satisfying ways. At least there is less unfun anticipation of the three leads arguing. They do it less now.

Terraspin has to be the lamest alien transformation.

The Ben 10,000 continuity has been completely rewritten with some alternate dimension excuse.

Oh look, they resurrected the old "evil military officer" stereotype. Doesn't he know aliens are not bad (even the bad ones), they are just misunderstood?

Is this (half) season worth watching? We think so (despite annoying Julie). Especially if you want to see appearances by Azmuth, Professor Paradox, Grandpa Max, and …Vilgax? Well sort of.

Didn't I see you in one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

Check out our Ben 10 franchise takes:

Alien Force Season 1

Alien Force Season 2

Alien Force Season 3

Ultimate Alien Season 1

Ultimate Alien Season 2 (part 1)

Thor: Tales of Asgard [2011]

This production is not for young kids. We are not saying it is as monotone, adult and unappealing as The Dark Knight [2008]. However it deals with adult themes, diplomacy, betrayal, bitter feminism, some womanizing and a few atomizations.

Why so grim Hogun? Lighten up.

That description may be at odds to an art direction more reminiscent of The Next Avengers. Cutesy Thor and Loki have skinny legs and big feet, not having grown into full manhood. Of course that does not stop them from causing man sized trouble.

Odin fights the demon Sutur. Note the size difference. Yes, that is Odin in the circle. And he won this match too.

The opening credits were pleasingly classy and interesting (especially for a direct to home market release). Though to us they clashed a bit with the stylized, less detailed animation. They also seemed somewhat at odds with Thor’s teenage angst and naïveté.

Could Loki's brooding expression foretell a future path of evil? ...nah.

Is the enchanting Enchantress Amora teaching Loki sign language? We know the question you might be asking, "Why did Thor never go for her?"

How about a one sentence synopsis? Teenaged Thor thinks he’s a man but is really a weenie, so he tries to prove otherwise by stowing away on a mission with his younger brother Loki easily finding a legendary blade no one for generations seemed able to find and causing a chain reaction of events leading to some fried frost giants, war amongst the Asgardian lands, interruption of feminist Valkyrie river bathing, some pointless battles and an ending which leaves you saying, “eh”.

Uh... very inconvenient. Unless you can teleport or fly. Great view though.

Could this innocent looking dark elf possibly be holding in resentment, rage and a hunger for vengeance? ...nah.

This tired story really did not have to star Thor. The spoiled prince, some womanizing knights, the fiery attitude filled girlfriend denied being a warrior in a male-dominated society, kingdoms separated by a fragile truce… Yes you have heard it all before. Thor did not do a thing normally associated with the character. He did not use his hammer, call down lightning, or even utter, “I say the nay!” It is not even “Thor Year One”. It is more like “Thor Year Minus One” (because at least in year one he would get his hammer.)

Sure Sif, train with the Valkyries. That will help your anger issues. (Although we are partial to archers...)

Tales of Asgard was not bad. It had interesting moments and is worth watching. However it carries no surprises, earth shattering moments or a very satisfying ending. And some of the teen angst between Thor and his father Odin was ripped almost line for line from “The Little Mermaid”.

• Thor/Ariel: “But father I want to see the outside world.”
• Odin/King Triton: “I forbid it.”
• Thor/Ariel: “I’m grown up, you can’t keep me here!”
• Odin/King Triton: “I am your king and your father and you will obey me!”

How did this picture get in here? Wrong undersea king.

Asgard itself was a little hard to pin down in regards to its technology and even era. Sometimes it was ancient Greek, other times medieval England. We are not sure what exactly they were going for. However at least the depictions of the Frost Giants was adequate. Unlike the live-action Thor movie, Frost Giants were actually… well, giant.

Flaming swords and frost giants... No, don't try to make it make sense. Just be pleased they were actually big.

The depiction of the Warriors Three was well done. But they are easy and fun stereotypes to work with.

One of the least fun depictions was the Valkyries. Led by Brunhilde, they were male hating, cold hearted, duplicitous, murderous wenches. That is no exaggeration for the sake of humor or wit. Yet another island of bitter females who “throw off male subjugation” with ill temper and stifled aggression. A sect not satisfied until every female who ever experienced a bump on their romantic highway joins their unhappy enclave. Misery truly loves company.

"See how happy I look? Join us Sif and you will be this happy too."

If you go into this production with no expectations you may get one hour and 13 minutes worth of mild entertainment. Even if some of the characterizations are a little much, the overall plot stayed rather safe, although perhaps a little staid.

It was pretty much nothing like this. Talk about violating truth in advertising laws.

Check out related takes:

Hulk Vs Thor [2009]

Next Avengers: Heroes of Tomorrow [2008]

Iron Man: Armored Adventures Season 1 [2008]

The Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes Season 1 [2010]